Ask Hattie - how do I stop obsessing over the need to be 'perfect'?
It sounds so simple, but feels so daunting to accept; perfect doesn't exist. You will never reach your 'idea' of perfection – it will always keep you slightly at arm’s length. Let me explain why:
Dear Hattie,
I’ve been struggling with perfectionism for as long as I can remember. I put so much pressure on myself, every day, to be or seem ‘perfect’. I’m exhausted! I don’t know how to change or stop setting myself standards I know I will never be able to reach. I know that perfect doesn’t exist. How do I start to finding some acceptance in myself, and learn to be at peace with where I am?
Dear reader,
Thank you for sharing this – the curse of perfectionism is something we are all so familiar with, especially women.
As with everything, your route to change starts with awareness. Like every other pattern, habit or thought we want to change, we have to first become aware of it. Really truly aware. Aware of what it looks like for us, how it shows up, and what impact it is having on our life. This awareness becomes our motivation for change. Once you have recognised how your perfectionist tendencies are negatively impacting your behaviour, your drive to limit them increases. You could try writing a list of all the ways – negatively and positively – that these thoughts impact you, and if the negative outweighs the positive – then that’s your cue. It’s time to change your mindset.
Perfectionism is more often than not, deeply-rooted in fear – fear of not being good enough, fear of failure or a fear of not being perceived in a certain way. In other words, it’s a form of Imposter Syndrome. This, for perfectionists, manifests itself in many different ways, one of which can be setting excessively high goals – which are undoubtedly not met, and hence lead to increased low self-esteem, self-doubt and a determination to do, or be better next time. When you look at this example, it’s clear to see that this way of life is neither fulfilling, productive, healthy or sustainable.
This is where the ‘work’ on your end comes in, as you now have a choice. You can choose to continue to think, feel and act this way – that you’re a failure and your work will never be good enough, or you can choose to change. To be kinder to yourself, more accepting of your (perceived) flaws and understand that you are only human, doing the best you can. It sounds so simple, but feels so daunting, to accept that there is no such thing as perfect. You will never reach your idea of perfection – because it will always keep you slightly at arm’s length. What you can do, is accept that you are ‘perfect as you are’. Learn to take your mistakes in your stride, to strengthen your mindset to handle feedback, and to know that it’s all part of the process. Celebrate your achievements, big, small or messy. Look to find contentment in your efforts, and with this you will start to cultivate a self-confidence.
There’s no time like the present, and there is no such thing as perfect timing. So it’s time to just get on with it – invite your family over, find a new career, start that business – stop waiting for everything to be perfect, because you will be waiting forever. Learn to embrace the uncertainty, and remember, you are perfect as you are, perfectly imperfect.
I write a weekly column for HELLO! magazine, in which I answer readers dilemmas - ranging from everything to health, happiness, family and work conundrums. Have you got a question you’d love to ask a life coach? Message me below, and let’s see how I can help!